"Pretense and masks were stripped off in His presence."
—Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Brokenness
I haven't been okay. I haven't been doodling either. Here's an update:
Ever since I finished this past spring semester, I haven't been truly content with all the circumstances God has placed me in. Honestly, I've been trying to be "happy" in my own power. Because I've been working, helping plan my sister's baby shower, serving my church's summer ministry, even helping prepare and plan my friend's bridal stuff—it was really easy to hide behind all the busyness so that no one would ask me how I was really doing.
One night at CORE (my bible study), the message was about fellowship, discussing the significance of it as well as the consequences when we don't have it. What really convicted me was when the speaker kept asking, "are you fellowshipping enough? Do you wait for others to initiate first for fellowship?" I wanted to have fellowship, and I knew I needed it. This last school year not only messed me up emotionally, but messed me up spiritually—I was dry in my walk with the Lord and I felt so far away. I wanted to be transparent and have brothers and/or sisters in Christ come alongside me and pray with me. But I couldn't answer this one question: why was it so hard to open up?!
Since that message, I really started questioning my heart and my motives. Usually I wouldn't open up because it's too early to talk about it, but something was different and deeper this time. I just remember during Sunday School, the week before I left for Summer Camp, God made it so clear to me what my problem was: pride. It wasn't only that I was afraid to open up to others, but it was the fact that I did not want to talk about it nor wanted people to know because I felt that no one cared.
My distrust in God was heavy on my heart that day. I knew I was playing fake happy to everyone around me, yet I knew I couldn't fake it to God (Psalm 44:21). However, He revealed to me that I was also relying on myself to get where I wanted to be—in other words, I was trying to change the path that God has sovereignly led me to and had to repent and confess these to Him.
Before I went back to school, I finished Brokenness by Nancy Leigh DeMoss (Wolgemuth) and it has been such a HARD but RICH book of encouragement and conviction! God has shown me through this book that I have to be broken before God—in other words, how can I be used by God or truly glorify Him if I'm not truly giving up my self-will to Him?
Not saying that I'm good and cured from what has happened, life is still hard—and honestly, I'm still struggling in this area—but God has been so gracious these past couple of months since then. It's easy for me to be tempted with the thought that people don't care, but to be reminded of Jesus' humility when He saw my need for a Savior helps slay those thoughts. The fact that He stooped down from heaven to take on flesh and take my sins and nail it to the cross along with Him reminds me of His love and kindness when we are broken before Him, as well as reminding me how I should love others and recognize my need for God and the body of Christ—even if that means "the risks of getting close to others and loving intimately."
My attitude used to be, "I don't need you, but you very much need me." I was willing to help, but I was not willing to unmask and be helped. Now I know that when I was humble and unmask myself, then, and only then, can I truly experience God's grace and be victorious and free.
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